Begin, begin... where do I begin.
* Business travel. I HATE IT. And it is running our lives right now. I cannot express how unbelievably hard it is to play the role of a single work-at-home-parent-to-two. Just the girls and I alone for multiple days, not much other human interaction... it could make a person go kinda crazy. Mornings and nights especially are just SO HARD. I try not to complain about it to him too much because, well, there's just nothing he can do about it. But really, a huge part of me just wants to WHINE. And it isn't that I think he's off on vacation enjoying himself, right? Yet somehow it is hard not to feel kinda jealous when I'm fighting to wrangle 2 children down to bed only to know I have 2 hours of work waiting for me while he's staying at a nice hotel (with ROOM SERVICE, MAIDS, NO CRYING CHILDREN!) enjoying a steak dinner with wine and ADULT CONVERSATION.
* My family (the one that I was born in to, not the one I made). Oh, my poor, sad, miserable family. It isn't appropriate to go in to too many details but I have two grown brothers who are just a HUGE mess right now. And these are the kinds of messes that spill over in to everyone else's life, especially my dad's and definitely mine. I spend a lot of time worrying and praying for both of them and every day seems like SURELY SOMETHING HAS TO CHANGE OR GET BETTER? But it hasn't happened. Today I said to God "I honestly don't know what to pray for with them anymore. So, please, your will just be done right now." I'm not sure if I've ever hit that place in prayer before now.
* To further push this family drama in to my life, my dad and his wife are our only babysitter. We have been unable to rely on them at all in the past few months because of all of this nonsense with my brothers. One or both of them are regularly staying in their home and really, I'm not comfortable with my kids being around them. So sure, they could come to our house and watch them. But they both work full time and are dealing with the brother crap full time, too, so it just seems wrong to ask them to please watch our small, very needy children on top of all that exhausting MESS they are dealing with on a daily basis. So you know what that means? We haven't been alone without our kids since our wedding anniversary last year. OCTOBER 1st. In fact, as I think about it, that was the one and only time we left both kids alone with them to go out on a date. I was too afraid to leave baby S with anyone since she was such drama. And now I'm just not really sure what to do about this... but it is putting a definite strain on my marriage. We're doing ok but, you know, married couples just need time alone. Outside of the house. To talk about things other than Nemo and Rapunzel.
* Rolling right along... my wonderful, amazing, loyal, hard-working husband won this fantastically HUGE company award last week. Really, it's a BIG FRIGGIN DEAL. I am so proud of him and I know he is humble but SO HONORED. Because this is the kind of designation people carry around with them and put on their resumes, it is well known in his industry. Well. In conjunction with said award, which is bestowed upon about 200 people each year (out of 65,000 employees), he won a trip. Not just any trip, either. A FIRST CLASS ALL THE WAY, 5-star resort (for 4 days during the work week) in Puerto Rico trip. For two. (His company politely assumes the winner would want to take their spouse with them to a gorgeous beach) It is a very executive type trip with scheduled events and spa days and such and, well, basically NOT CHILD FRIENDLY in any way. HAHAHAHA. And we have no idea what we are going to do. Because we realistically don't have any family to leave our 2 children with that long and who else can you expect to watch your 2 kids for 3 nights? Plus there's the whole fact that the baby will only be about 9 months by that time and I am asking myself if I can even fathom leaving her for that long? But then there's my husband (who is going to take this awesome trip with or without me, by the way), who wants nothing more than for me to take this trip with him. And my head wants to explode because I have no idea what to do.
Yes, I realize my problems aren't the worst problems in the world. And things have been much harder in the past, for sure. But at the moment, when I figured I would find some PEACE and rest after the whole food-sleep-drama with Baby S, I feel myself just riddled with angst and stress. I am doing my best to overcome it and just trust that things will work out as they should, but... you know, easier said than done.