one

So, somehow, you are 1 year old.
I'm not sure how we got here but even now it has been almost 2 weeks since your birthday and I am still left scratching my head in amazement at just how quickly your sweet little life has flown. We spent so many long, excruciating days and nights together when you first joined us... I remember thinking that I would be exhausted and frazzled forever. The day when you cried THE ENTIRE DAY and I tried every single thing in the book of tricks from feeding you, to a car ride, to rocking, to walking with you... but you still cried and did not nap FOR ONE SINGLE SECOND that day. But, of course, it passed. One day a the switch just flipped and you started sleeping like a dream and smiling more than crying. Things were definitely tough with you and I have felt myself change more in the past year than any other of my life. Humility, patience, tolerance, faith, sacrifice, self awareness... all of these things have been vastly increased inside of me since this time last year. You've made me such a better person and mother. I am so incredibly thankful God chose you to be ours.

I remember the first night I was alone with you in the hospital. We had already been there for 2 nights with your daddy and he simply HAD to leave the third night to be with you sister at home. I felt so alone, sad and GUILTY. Guilty for not loving you like I loved your sister. I felt very sad and like an utter failure that I couldn't make you stop crying. I had no idea what you were going through and I also had no idea how much I would connect with you over the coming months. I was the only person you seemed to trust (still am, often times!) and how many times I heard your cry and came to your rescue and felt you instantly relax in my arms. Many nights you slept snuggled up to me in bed, even though I swore I'd never sleep with a baby and the stern warnings of books and doctors alike surrounded me, and while I never actually "slept" a lick I remember just staring at your sweet face and wondering who you would be as you grew.

Watching you turn from a little blob in to the sweet, silly, snugly and strong willed personality that you are today has been such a joy. I love watching you sleep, snuggled up to your lovey while on your tummy and breathing deeply. I really love watching you and your big sister play and laugh and talk in your own special sister language. You're certainly quick to cry but at the same time so quick to smile and laugh and very happy to be in mommy's arms. You are surprisingly brave and fearless and I regularly find you JUST ABOUT to get in serious trouble or hurt yourself. In fact, taking my eyes off of you is really just never wise at this point. I always wondered if I'd be gutsy enough to stick my finger down a choking child's throat and boy, have you ever taught me that I will do ANYTHING in a moment of mommy adrenaline.

I'm not sure I even remember what life was like before you at this point. I often marvel that I must have had a ridiculous amount of time on my hands because you have redefined motherhood and time management for me. I think that you will always be my baby. We have this special kind of bond that I've never known. I sometimes feel like I know you better than I've ever known anyone in my life. I am so excited to see what your next year holds.

life at almost 1 year post baby

So, hi there! I just realized it has been over a month since I posted here, so yea, BLOG FAIL. But life is moving at a rapid pace and somehow it gets honestly seems to get faster every day. However, I believe many updates are in order.

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Baby S is going to be ONE YEAR OLD next week. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?! I'm really struggling to come to terms with this as it seems like just yesterday she was a wee little, not sleeping and crying all night, every night. If the first 6 months were on slow-mo from all the drama we dealt with, then the last 6 months have been on super crazy fast warp speed. She is doing great! Her personality is hilarious and so constantly unlike her big sister in any way. She is VERY sensitive and dependent but at the same time incredibly strong willed and ornery. I say often that I feel like she's designed like what I'd expect a boy to be. She's completely fearless and curious and gets in to every single thing she can, making massive messes and chaos all over my house. I couldn't tell you how long she is or how much she weighs, but I think she's definitely caught up to 50% or greater in that department. She's mostly wearing 12-18 month size clothes and carrying her around is giving me some serious arm muscles. Sleep is still going great, she made the 2-1 nap transition just fine on her own about a month ago and eating is getting better every day. I've still not braved any raw dairy products, but I've given her bread and other snacks that have milk and soy listed in the ingredients lists. We don't seem to notice any problems in her from them. She LOVES bread, flour tortillas, waffles, graham crackers, cereal, oatmeal and WATER. My little carbohydrate junkie! I decided to just go cold turkey with the bottles and put her on formula in a sippy cup at her 11 month birthday and she's done amazingly well. She has actually lost interest in formula and is wayyyyyy more in to real FOOD. I am so glad we've finally progressed in this department and am eager to get the go ahead to try real cows' milk products after her pedi gives us the green light. I AM going to let her have some cake at her 1st birthday party next weekend. What is a birthday without cake??!! We are doing a cook out and swimming, it'll be a real blast.

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As quickly as summer MDO started, it ends next week. Little L has had so much fun this summer. Swim lesson were a total BOMB, she refused to cooperate with the instructor, but we made the best of it. She is at least comfortable now in the pool in her puddle jumper and on noodles ALONE (we are still just at the side of the pool or in with her) without gripping one of us to death with fear. We have spent so much time outside this summer, I actually have a TAN in spite of my deeply thick layers of zinc oxide I slather on every day. I have made it a point to try and think of lots of fun things for us to do this summer and it has been lovely. Baby S is old enough now to sit at a restaurant and we've been doing regular patio dinners at some of our favorite spots on the weekends. I also took Little L to see a movie, JUST THE TWO OF US, yesterday and she was so excited and hasn't stopped talking about it since. I cannot believe how big this child is. She has strong opinions about what she likes and doesn't like but she is just the sweetest child and is kind to everyone. I love her heart, in fact it makes ME want to be a better person. Her prayers are so sweet and innocent, full of nothing but thanks to God and the smallest thing like a pink straw in a surprise cup of chocolate milk sends her OVER THE MOON with glee. She is really a little person now, there's simply no hint of baby left at this point.

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I feel like I am finally learning how to be the most effective employee, wife, house cleaner, mom and individual with 2 children that I can be. It really has taken me this long to find the proper balance. And truth be told? Most days I am in a dirty ball cap and smelly running clothes and my showers are quite a bit more spaced out than they should be. The teachers at church don't even recognize me when I show up in real clothes with my hair down and styled. If this is what it takes to make all the other stuff work, though, that's ok by me. Exercise is my thing, I'm getting it in as much as I can and I am loving it. I don't think my house is ever ALL clean at the same time, but I'm managing to get the downstairs and upstairs separately fully clean at least once a week to 2 weeks. Laundry is figured out, grocery shopping and meals have fallen in to a schedule and things just seem to flow for the best part of the week. I certainly have days that crash and burn and there are times when I cannot even SEE the carpet in the playroom but I am doing my best to take it all in stride and just start each day anew. I think the thing about having 2 children that has shocked me the most is the amount of MESS they produce and the constant need for attention. I strive to do my best and not seek perfection out of myself or them. Life has really gotten so much better for us all since I dialed back my expectations in this department. We are happy and blessed and often laugh when something goes wrong and instead of getting mad or cry, we simply say "It happens!"

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Vacation to the beach is in one month. I simply cannot wait. I need it more than words can say.

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I hope everyone is well. I have a gazillion blog comments to catch up on, but I will. Promise. And here are some photos from the first half of our summer. :)