Wednesday, March 28, 2012

swirling thoughts

1) We leave for our trip in less than 2 weeks.... how the heck did that creep up so rapidly? I am simultaneously excited and terrified. I just try to imagine myself leaving for the airport early that morning (like 3:45 AM for reals... early flight, to say the least) and walking out on my sleeping kiddos and being just ripped apart on the insides with angst. I know that they will be fine. I know that I will be fine. I just kinda want it all to get here and be over with so it is a positive memory in the past rather than an anxious reality looming in the future.

2) My husband has loosened up the purse strings enough to let me do some awesome clothes shopping for the trip and I have been having FUN with that. After having had a baby and really buckling down on diet and losing some weight, new clothes have been much needed. I even found a swimsuit this weekend! A one piece, yes, but its cute so whatever. I'm 30 something with 2 kids, I don't need to wear a bikini to feel good about myself, yes?

3) The J.Crew spring catalog is my total obsession right now. If I had a blank check, I could do some serious damage.

4) We're debating whether or not we want to take our good camera on our trip, the Canon DSL. I mean, I want good photos yes, but do I want to carry that gargantuan thing around for just the two of us the whole time? I dunno. He thinks we should just take our iPhones and call it a day. I have a 5 year old slim point and shoot Sony Cybershot but haven't used it in years and I remember just HATING that thing because the photos were always blurry or the lighting situation was weird. What would you do?

5) I'm also trying to think of a bunch of fun prizes to leave behind for the people who are watching the girls to give over the course of our time away. I am thinking of doing some new movies, books and toys for Little L. I don't have a clue of anything to do for the baby because, well, she's a baby. And really? She just wants to be held and fed most of the time and she's all smiles.

6) This free trip is obviously costing us a bit more money than we had anticipated. HA.

7) I still can't believe I'm leaving my kids for 4 days in less than 2 weeks.

8) I told my husband I wasn't leaving them for this trip without a will. What's that you say, a WILL? "You mean, you don't have one of those?" No. We don't. My husband really doesn't like to broach the topic of death and it has always been a horribly touchy subject in this house. It took me to late last year to finally convince him that life insurance policies were not negotiable and the entire process of lab work, medical history and the bazillion questions they ask you in order to underwrite those policies just about killed him in and of itself. And I think part of this is that he hasn't want to put to pen and paper who would we would leave our children to should this happen, because his family will be incredibly offended that they weren't chosen (they shouldn't be, not a single one them is in a position to manage 2 small children) and I suspect he never wanted to answer the question if it was asked. But I think that ridiculous drama like that PALES in comparison to the idea of leaving to kids alone left to be argued over and swirling in uncertainty.

9) I don't like to think about any of this stuff either but the older I get, the more "in touch" I am with the fact that these things simply happen. A guy from my hometown died in a skiing accident 2 weeks ago while on spring break with his family. Yes, that really happened. And I don't even know him well and I have vague memories of his wife being from my childhood church also, but I see her FB updates and I think to myself how completely life shattering this must have been for her and their 2 small children. And, really? I tear up to put myself in her shoes. Because I think I would be utterly LOST without my husband. He's truly my best friend and he makes my world go round and in a perfect world, I don't want my girls to know a life without him or me. But this isn't a perfect world.

10) Reality sucks but God is good and faithful and I remind myself daily that he works together in all things for the GOOD of those that love him and are called according to his purpose.

I got off on quite a tangent there, sorry. Mortality has been a bit of a sore spot for me lately and I had to get it off my chest. Bless you all!!


  1. Sounds like you are ready for the trip =] So happy for you that you are able to enjoy this with just your husband...Marriage takes work and you are doing the best thing possible by going with him =] If I was you, I would just take the IPhone - they takes better pics than cameras alot of the time.

  2. Daniel is the same exact way regarding wills and life insurance.

    And on a lighter note - I've always rocked a one-piece, even when I was a skinny teen girl. Rock it, Mel!

  3. Deep breaths, I can tell you're a teensy bit on edge, yes? :] The trip itself is going to be fab. The girls are going to have so much fun and will be so glad to see you come back. Your marriage will be given a fresh little spark. (Brown chicken brown cow? ;)

    But yes, please, will. It's NOT fun to talk about, but maybe it will help him to think of all the other dads with young families that are in his same shoes. J wasn't exactly thrilled with the idea, but I was like "your friend D had to do this, and so did J&K - it's just a fact of life". It's like they know that in their brain but they don't want to even go there. But like you said, better you guys decide than have kids be in foster care while the state decides - THAT thought makes my stomach turn. And seriously? The peace that the will gave us when we finally signed off on it? Priceless. There's no more uncertainty, and we don't ever have to think about it again (until it needs updating, which isn't anytime soon).

  4. I hear you about the wills. We still don't have any, but it has been on our to-do list for months, and we have sat down and hashed out who would get E., and we have asked her (one of my sisters). We also sorted out life insurance earlier this year as we realized Q. was badly underinsured.

    It is hard to think about these things- I spent a whole night crying to Q., "Do you realize if we were hit by a truck tomorrow E. would never remember us?", but so so important, and so much better than not leaving anything.

    As for cameras, I have a totally unhelpful suggestion. I was in the same boat as you, minus having a phone with a camera. I have my DSLR, and an ancient (9 years old) point and shoot. I was tired of lugging the big camera everywhere, and I wanted the option to take short videos of E.

    So I bought the Canon Powershot ELPH 100 HS, and I LOVE it. Takes great pictures, is incredibly tiny, and does good video to send to relatives to show off E. crawling or whatnot.

    I know you may not have the money, but if there is any wiggle room, it is honestly the best purchase I've made in months. I'm so happy to have it. My f/b profile picture was taken using it- it takes great pics.


  5. I COMPLETELY understand wanting the trip to be a happy memory already. I feel the same way every time I go on business trips. I love going because I get so much done and I get to hang out with people I really like and eat awesome food and kind of re-live the fun bits of the single days... BUT at the same time I ache and pine for my family the whole time I'm away. Plus it is one of those times when mortality looms over my head too. So I totally prefer to have the business trip be a happy memory than anticipating it and being in the moment.

    Woohoo on the swimsuit front. I have to agree, being a 30-something mom, we shouldn't feel the need to be hot in bikinis anymore... although it would be nice. ;)

  6. i bring my DSL with me everywhere - it is a giant PIA sometimes but the pictures are worth it!
    so glad you found an awesome swimsuit - i hate swimsuit shopping. nothing makes me smile like new clothes :)