many thoughts, all somehow related

Baby S turned 3 months old yesterday. I'd say "wow, where did the time go?" but I've honestly felt each day of the past 3 months and I am so glad we're where we are today. She is happy, so healthy and an absolute joy to my life. I often stop and remember that there was life before her and wonder how that is possible because she just BELONGS here. There could never be a life without her, she's so perfectly nestled in to my heart.

I noticed she's really (finally) interested in the toys hanging on her gymini. I watch her stare at them intently and she even clumsily bats at some of the longer ones when they are near to her. She's started the early stages of laughing and she smiles at everyone who looks her way. I could sit and talk in length about how she is inconsistent with her night sleep, occasionally has days where her naps aren't perfect and I still cannot determine if I should reintroduce soy or dairy back in yet. But ultimately? Those things don't matter. Simply put, I don't think they make a better baby than this. I'm so glad she's mine.

---

There's an old expression you sometimes hear that "Friends are God's way of making up for family." While it's a stretch of a thing to say, I've pretty much stood by that line since I was a teenager. My immediate family is painfully, irreversibly broken and at some point, instead of whining or wasting time on wishing that things would be different, I just learned to fill the void with the wonderful friends I made.

The long and short of my early life is that my parents really screwed up in their marriage and their child rearing. And while it seems like society doesn't place much value on either of those things anymore, I believe that they are absolute musts in the realization of a happy and healthy family. While I found myself an avenue to fly away and stretch out an arm's length from the people that failed me in so many ways early on, my 2 younger brothers found themselves spiraling downward and creating for themselves unhealthy dependencies on other unhealthy people, including my parents.

All this said to come to the point that I've spent the last 4 days deeply inbound in drama surrounding my brothers and my dad. So much drama, in fact, that I actually had to temporarily suspend my face.book account because I couldn't stand to read any more of the hatred that was being spewed my direction. I'm not even sure how I was pulled in to the entire drama and I spent a few sleepless nights tossing in turning in bed over it all. I spent time praying protection over both of their lives, praying for God to give me the appropriate words to say to everyone involved and for Him to place my feet in the right direction to help them. I'm taking it day by day right now, but I am surprised at how off guard this entire mess caught me. I've been so simple in my life for so long, to be wrapped in such a complicated and painful whirlwind like this made me clearly remember a time when my life was not so comfortable.

I am so thankful for where I am today. And I pray that God will help me bring up my children to be honest, humble, thankful, independent, wise, self sufficient and to be a blessing to everyone they meet in life.

---

I've been running like crazy the past 2 weeks. It has been so good for my mind, body and soul. I'm 2 pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight and I am getting better to make sure that every day I HAVE to make some kind of time for myself. To put the individual things that matter to me in the top of the priorities chart everyday: my relationship with Christ, my romance with my husband, my personal appearance and the state of my home. It is hard but it is paying off in spades. I also realize that the decisions I make and the life I live are the only examples my children have to learn from on how to model their lives someday. And I want them to see that while I love them and place them at the top of my spectrum, I still place value in myself and will not lose me in them.

Work is still hectic. My husband offered for me to quit. He said things would be tight and we'd have to dial back most of our "fun" spending, but that we would survive. I thought about it for a few days and realized that the result of me quitting could be too damaging on my household. I don't want to stress my husband out too much with finances and I do ultimately want to have a career after the girls are in school. And really, my set up is awesome. Sure it is dang hard to juggle it all, but you just don't find a company who will let you work from home, just laugh when they hear the kids in the background and schedule meetings around your childcare situation. They have completely accommodated me for 2.5 years now and they send ME money every 2 weeks at that. You know what? I'll master this. And I'll be so proud. And I hope my husband and daughters will be, too.